New Year, New Chapter

I haven’t posted for a while.  I haven’t wanted to.  First I was too busy enjoying the holidays to want to share. Oh I’m ok that you know that we had a great time and everyone got what they wanted.  The kids were lots of fun to watch and loved what they got.  At one point they were wanting to stop and play with the gift in hand and there was still several items to open.  Books and Bikes being some of the favorite,  not to mention the new wii games.

Then something happened that I hadn’t expected and I haven’t wanted to share what we are capable of.  I thought, I’ll just not share this.  Then upon much reflection, I decided that this is the point of the blog.  To share life with dementia.  Not to censor out the bad parts.  Taking out the bad/hard parts won’t serve anyone.

Up until Gpa got diagnosed with dementia, I fully expected him to live to 105.  His oldest sister did, so why not him?  He’s in good health and we have a great relationship.

It was a surprise when he got diagnosed but I comforted myself that it is age related and not Alzheimer’s.  the Alzheimer’s version has an anger stage that I thought we were going to be able to skip.  I was wrong.

Gpa is beginning to get upset if I try to re-direct him.  He’s not amiable to the suggestions I make.  One night while still in California, Gpa got up about 11.  Neither one of us were feeling well and he had decided it was time to eat. I jumped up and didn’t bother to put on my glasses.  This shouldn’t take too long. John and his family were just getting ready for bed.

I didn’t want to fix more food and tried to re-direct Gpa to the bathroom.  He started to walk back to the bedroom.  I thought, he’s prolly wet so I need to get him to the bathroom. I think I touched his arm and he turned and punched me in the nose.

Not hard enough to break but enough for me to react with punching of my own.  I punched him in the arm and then would have again if John had not stopped me, and talked Gpa into going back to bed.

I went into the bathroom and cried.  Rocio came in and hugged me.  All I could say is, “I hate  this.”  over and over.

Really what is the point of someone being so trapped so they don’t understand what is going on around them? I only want what is best for him and he doesn’t know it.

I hate that I have such a self defense mechanism that it causes me to strike my demented grandfather who doesn’t know what he’s doing.

The next day, he didn’t remember it at all, but the rest of us did.  I still don’t get too close unless I have to, I check his attitude before I get too close.  It saddens me that I see him different.

Joey came and slept with me later that week.  I told him I loved him,  He replied he loved me too.  Then we went through the list of the family, naming each we loved.  He said he didn’t love Gpa.  I said I do.  He said, “He punched you in the nose.  and you punched him back”  Oh no, the babies saw it all!

I told Joey that Gpa is loosing his words and he was upset.  And because he didn’t have the words to say it, he swung and ended up hitting me. I then told him because it hurt, I struck back, but didn’t mean it.  I told him we are both sorry for what we did.

I still love Gpa very much.

Then I reminded him that sometimes his sister’s upset him and he hits them, but he still loves them.

Oh, how complicated life and love gets.

Since we’ve gotten home,  Gpa has told Lillie he will hit her and taken his clothes off.

This is a part of 2012 I am not looking forward to at all.

 

 

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